It’s quite a statement I concede but this latest major tournament failure is a real watershed moment for English football and for me personally. I will attempt to articulate why.

To be continued…

It took less than an hour of South Africa 2010 for South African hopes to be sent soaring as the man with the Motown ditty name, Siphiwe Tshabalala, blasted a crisply volleyed strike into the Mexican goal, cranking the vuvuzelas up to eleven. Ooh Tshabalala, Tshabalala ding dong. Played out to the soundtrack of a broken fridge the greatest show on earth was finally on the road but it was a false dawn for the hosts.

The joy lasted just 25 minutes before Rafael Marquez became the first to spoil the fun with a leveller that ultimately led to South Africa becoming the first hosts ever not to make the Last 16. Diego Forlan completed the party-pooping with two fine goals in a 3-0 win that propelled Uruguay to group winners and on to an eventual fourth place finish.

South Africa’s only consolation was beating an imploding France team in the final group game to condemn Les Blues to bottom place and home in shame, but a victory over a side coached by a walking dead man and chock full of incredible sulks is nothing to blow your horn about.

South Africa’s failure was mirrored by Nigeria, Algeria, Cameroon & Ivory Coast and so African attention switched to Ghana. The Black Stars carried the hopes of a continent on a glorious run to the quarter finals which ended in heartbreak against Uruguay as Luis Suarez’s ‘hand of the devil’ hammered the final nail into the Ghanaian coffin with a 120th minute handball that earned him a dismissal and Ghana the penalty chance to make history. Asamoah Gyan’s ballooned miss and subsequent success in a heartbreaking penalty shootout defeat provided this tournament’s Stuart ‘Psycho’ Pearce moment. African hopes withered and died but the vuvuzelas lived on, albeit with the pitch side microphones turned down.

Here’s a good quiz question – which was the only unbeaten team at South Africa 2010? Answer – New Zealand as I’m sure you already knew, you clever clogs. Three draws in the group stage saw the All Whites finish above an abysmal Italian side that went the same way as those moody Frenchies. Paraguay & Slovakia were the benefactors; both made it out of the group only to be sent packing by the two eventual finalists.

Spain did for Paraguay in the quarter finals en route to lifting the trophy on the back of four successive 1-0 wins, ensuring they became the lowest scoring champions ever with eight goals, five of them scored by David Villa who shared the golden boot with Germany’s Thomas Meuller and, very dubiously, Wesley Sneijder of Holland. Spain also became the first team to lift the trophy after losing their first game; to Switzerland, unsurprisingly 0-1.

Netherlands did not lose a game until the final where a late extra time Iniesta goal was all they deserved for attempting to clog their way to the trophy. Heavy footed spoiling tactics were an affront to the sublime total football attitude of the forebears but even then Arjen Robben had two gilt edged chances to win it. It was an inglorious end to a glorious run that featured wins over Slovakia, Brazil & Uruguay.

Brazil were generally disappointing with an unconvincing 2-1 victory over North Korea setting the tone in their opening game. They still managed to top a tricky group that included Ivory Coast & Portugal, and they saw off Chile easily enough in round two, but the Dutch were too strong in the quarter finals and Brazil were dispatched in a red mist of ill-discipline and acrimony.

Portugal racked up the biggest score of the tournament when they beat North Korea 7-0 but Cristiano Ronaldo failed to fire consistently and joined the growing ranks of underperforming super stars. Finishing second to Brazil ensured they met Spain and became the first of La Roja’s 1-0 victims.

For many an observer, Brazil had looked the most balanced team going into the finals. By the end of the first round of games it was Argentina who had snatched that title; and this for a team who were being guided by a madman.

Interlude: Diego Maradona is a madman; fact not opinion. His use of over 100 players in qualifying was topped when he selected 30 year old Ariel Garce for his final 23 man squad. Garce is a journeyman defender of 4 caps (3 friendlies in 2003 & a 4th recently against Haiti) who was taken because Maradona had a dream that Argentina won the World Cup and the only face he could remember was Garce’s. This story even beats Raymond Domenech’s cosmic selection strategy.

Maradona prowled the touchline in beard and suit and looked like he might bring himself on for Messi at any moment. In the end Messi ran out of steam, Maradona ran out of players to try and Argentina were walloped by those pesky Germans in the quarter finals.

Which brings us neatly to the only two football ‘super powers’ yet to be mentioned. The first, Germany, did as they always do – they brought their A-game to the finals and came third, scoring four goals in three separate matches and only being outdone by Puyol’s thumping header in the semi finals. They were very close to being world champions yet again with a team built on youth, ethics and teamwork.

The second, England, are a ‘super power’ in their own minds but actually couldn’t be further away from a second world title after a disastrous campaign in which their talisman left his heart at home, the coach lost his sanity, the defence lost each other, and the country finally realised they are simply not good enough. It’s like a proud parents discovering that the apple of their eye has been placed in the remedial class at school. It was all topped off with an embarrassing Last 16 tonking by Germany and the most unbelievable non-decision in a World Cup game since the last unbelievable non-decision…which ironically involved England and a certain Argentine hand.

There were some players who made a name for themselves in South Africa (Thomas Mueller, Robert Vittek, Keisuke Honda, Mesut Özil, Asamoah Gyan, Landon Donovan), some who enhanced an already growing reputation (Diego Forlan, Wesley Sneijder), and several superstars who simply crashed & burned (Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo, Fernando Torres, Kaka). There was also one, Miroslav Klose, who was cruelly denied by injury the chance to become the World Cup’s all-time leading scorer.

Ultimately the best team won and Paul the Octopus predicted it but South Africa 2010 will probably not be remembered for the football or Giovanni van Bronckhorst’s semi final goal, it will mostly be remembered for one thing – those bloody vuvuzelas.

I began this as a lengthy rant at why England were so poor in South Africa but midway through (about 50 paragraphs in I reckon) those photos taken by Ledley King emerged and I just thought “what is the point really?”.  The players obviously don’t care so why do I?

You’ve seen the photos – Aaron Lennon lounging around with a fat Cuban hanging out of his grinning overpaid mouth. Bottles of Bollinger littering the table they are all loafing around, looking like they haven’t a care in the world. I’m sure Ledley would have needed somebody to take the snaps for him due to a torn ligament in his trigger finger.

Before the World Cup began I cited the four main reasons why England would do well…

1. Fabio Capello – the best manager in the world would paper over any cracks caused by crocks & duffers.
2. Wayne Rooney – England’s talisman, in the form of his life after a free scoring season for Manchester United in which he was unplayable at times.
3. The climate – winter in South Africa should suit English players perfectly.
4. The draw – topping an easy group would ensure a relatively trouble free run to the semis.

We can’t blame the climate or the draw which actually opened up following France’s own implosion but Capello blew it and Rooney was anonymous. Predictably & depressingly all the elements we feared might derail England’s campaign came horribly to fruition. Robert Green, Jamie Carragher, Matthew Upson, Ledley King, Gareth Barry & Emile Heskey all did exactly what it says on the tin. They fully lived up to expectation & reputation by fumbling, lumbering, blundering, injuring, trundling or fluffing any chance they got.

But look at it this way – for the moment England are 8^th in FIFA’s rankings. That makes us a beaten quarter-finalist providing we don’t play a country ranked above us. Germany are 6^th so that actually relegates us to a beaten Last 16 team, which is precisely where we finished. The conclusion is that nobody should be surprised about our showing and it is time to face up to what every other nations already knows – that we are simply not good enough and haven’t been for a long time. Unless many things drastically change (and they won’t because money is everything nowadays) England will not win a major trophy in my lifetime.

So rather go on and on analysing every aspect of England’s dismal capitulation, let’s take a lead from the red tops and Don Fabio himself with our own Capello Index…

Fabio CAPELLO (3 out of 10) – and I’m being generous giving 3 through some sympathy. Sympathy that most of his players under-performed; Capello cannot take all the blame for that. What he can be blamed for is his decision making and he got little right in my opinion. The Capello Index provided the first chink to his armour and the rust developed over the ensuing weeks as every risk he took went horribly wrong.

He started taking gambles – gambling on the fitness of King & Barry and gambling that Robert Green’s fingers weren’t dipped in butter among the worst of them. You can probably count on one finger the number of gambles he made in a near faultless qualifying campaign so why start at the World Cup?

When he needed to gamble (ditching 442, throwing Crouch on earlier against Algeria, taking Rooney off, replacing Barry with Joe Cole at 2-0 down against Germany) he refused to. When chasing the game against Germany he threw Heskey on to get a goal. I rest my case.

Having stated that he would only take players that are a) playing regularly for their club b) playing well and c) 100% fit, he went against that ethos with many of his selections. He took, and played, players who weren’t getting into their club side never mind being in form, and players carrying injuries.

1 David JAMES (7) – Calamity James did nothing wrong after replacing butter fingers Green and should have been first choice if Hart was deemed to inexperienced.

12 Robert GREEN (3) – The one thing that we all feared occurred just 40 minutes into England’s campaign. Green butter fingered a tame shot and England blew a vital lead. It’s a mistake that can be pinpointed as a direct reason for England failing. It was a tipping point, even though it was so early on.

23 Joe HART (-) – England’s best keeper last season but he never got near the first team even after showing well in training.

2 Glen JOHNSON (5) – Third best England player in the Castrol Index apparently. He was shaky in defence & attack and me thinks those oil boys need to brush up on their soccer.

3 Ashley COLE (7) – Generally solid and one of England’s better performers but his attacking was poor at times.

5 Michael DAWSON (-) – In great club form but overlooked.

6 John TERRY (6) – A topsy turvy tournament saw trouser snake Terry get left in the lurch after his down to earth press conference, bounce back with the Slovenia win, and end in farce against Germany.

13 Stephen WARNOCK (-) – Unused understudy to Cashley Cole.

15 Matt UPSON (4) – Nice guy as he is, Upson was taken off the back of an awful season for West Ham and is in the bottom percentile of English defenders in terms of ability. He looked dodgy against Slovenia but kept his place because of one injury time tackle that probably kept England in the tournament. He then promptly helped dump us out, being hopelessly exposed by Germany and being complicit in all four goals conceded – either directly or by being nowhere to be seen. If Upson is an England international then so is my cat.

18 Jamie CARRAGHER (5) – Too slow, too clumsy, and he made his bed to lie in long ago. I cannot believe he was talked out of retirement and got to play. He is a liability – one and a half games played netted him two yellow cards and a suspension. Any fool could have predicted that.

20 Ledley KING (2) – He played in less than half of Spurs’ games last season and lasted 45 minutes of the tournament. His “chronic” knee problems are legendary. There was no way on earth he was going to get through a World Cup without problems. It was a gamble of the highest degree and it back-fired big time as it let in Carragher & Upson.

4 Steven GERRARD (8) – Probably England’s best player against almost zero competition but playing from the left is a waste of his talents and his time has now gone.

7 Aaron LENNON (3) – Can’t shoot, can’t pass, can’t cross, can’t score. Doesn’t seem to care.

8 Frank LAMPARD (6) – Played one decent game in four & was unlucky against Germany. The Lampard-Gerrard conundrum continues to baffle. Capello has to work it out or ditch one or both.

11 Joe COLE (5) – Took two games before he could pluck the bench splinters from his arse but did little when given his chance, although 44 minutes over two games is not enough for England’s most creative midfielder.

14 Gareth BARRY (5) – Taken on crutches and looked like he was still using them as Mesut Ozil skinned him after giving him a 10 yard start. He made Ozil look like Usain Bolt and never looked fit enough for a World Cup campaign. At 2-0 down against the Germans Barry was surplus to requirements and should have been sacrificed for Joe Cole.

16 James MILNER (5) – I just don’t see it with this jack of all trades, master of none. Starting with Milner and subbing him after half an hour of the first game set the tone. The excuse being Milner had been ill leading up to the match and was feeling the effects – what was he doing on the pitch in the first place then?

17 Shaun WRIGHT-PHILLIPS (3) – England’s bobbling bumbling “winger” goes backwards with every game. Only there because of Walcott’s even greater ineptitude. In his defence, his first chance came on the left when he replaced Milner against USA. The left! He’s got ‘right’ in his name but he can’t even control or cross a ball from the right, never mind the left.

22 Michael CARRICK (-) – Pointless passenger, dropped by Alex Ferguson following a disastrous late season dip in form. Didn’t play a minute & kept Scott Parker at home.

9 Peter CROUCH (4) – Great England scoring record ignored for Heskey’s abysmal one. Played 17 minutes over two games and spent most of the time getting arse splinters on the bench. Heskey got 176 minutes over four games. Crouch has 21 goals in 40 internationals, Heskey has 7 in 62. Who would you throw on when striving for a goal to keep you in the World Cup?

10 Wayne ROONEY (1) – The most spectacular failure of a star name I can remember. Sticking with Rooney when he was so obviously struggling was a waste of a position – Rooney is not untouchable and nobody would have argued with him coming off. No goals and just 6 shots on target in 4 matches. There had to be something wrong with England’s “talisman”. The injury suffered in the Champions League must have been hampering him – he just didn’t look interested at times and even had the gall to complain when booed off.

19 Jermain DEFOE (6) – One important goal but little else. Had scored 3 times in 3 months for Spurs and doesn’t work well with Rooney.

21 Emile HESKEY (2) - Played out of position…by about 6000 miles. His main contribution to the cause was to fall on Rio Ferdinand’s knee, putting the captain out and lifting accident-waiting-to-happen Upson up the pecking order. He also fluffed any scoring opportunity that came his way and kept Peter Crouch off the pitch. Heskey “does a job” for the team but it’s not enough. As a top class frontline striker you have to offer more than the ability to hold the ball up, especially in a major tournament. An eye for goal also helps but Heskey’s peepers appear to be made of glass. 3 goals in 15 starts for Villa last season and he will never score for England again.

Team Average = 4.5/10

What a fantastic quartet of Last Eight matches. They had everything – shocks, drama, red cards, controversy, goals, own goals, penalty’s, penalty misses, penalty shootouts. And after all the talk of the South American countries dominating this World Cup (even predictions of the semi finals being an all Latin affair) the semi final stage has a very European flavour.

First up Holland shocked everybody’s favourites, Brazil, who lost their cool and lost the match 2-1 from a winning position. Felipe Melo was dismissed for a cynical & nasty stamp on that cheeky chappy Arjen Robben and the Samba Stars imploded under Dutch pressure. Wesley Sneijder validated my decision to drop him from my dream team by scoring two, although one was definitely on OG so how FIFA can give it to the Dutchman is a mystery.

Following this first shock came Africa’s last hope, Ghana. The vuvuzelas were in full cry and Sulley Muntari turned them up to eleven with a long range cracker just before the break. That man Diego Forlan hit back with a sweet free kick that caught Kingson out and the 1-1 draw was played out through extra time with the match ebbing and flowing as each side applied the pressure.

Both teams had chances in extra time but nothing could prepare them for the drama that unfolded as the clock hit 120 minutes. One last assault from Ghana saw Luis Suarez earn this tournament’s “Hand of God” accolade as he batted the jabulani away with his hands. He was off and Asamoah Gyan was handed the opportunity to write himself & Ghana into the history books. This he duly did by smashing his penalty against the bar as Montevideo breathed a sigh of relief.

Gyan admirably tucked away the first penalty in the shootout for his own immediate “Psycho” moment but he was inconsolable as the Uruguayans won it 4-2 to reach their first semi final for 40 years – Sebastian Abreu’s winning penalty was as cool and cocky as you will ever see under such pressure.

With one of the favourites out it was the turn of another, Argentina, to step up to the plate and restore some South American confidence. Nobody read the script to Germany though…again…and they hammered Maradona’s men 4-0 in a result that makes England’s look reasonably good.

How do the Germans do it? Time after time after time. After time. In the 17 World Cups they have contested they have reached the quarter finals or better in 14 of them, appearing in six finals and winning it three times. They look the most likely champions again as Spain stutter along and Holland might just come up short.

Germany’s defence is miserly as usual but it is their attacking play that has been jaw dropping at times. They counter attack with such speed, fluency and precision that teams have folded under the onslaught. With a midfield supremely marshalled by Bastian Schweinsteiger and propelled by the creative flair of Mesut Ozil, it is a bedrock that their deadly strikeforce can revel in.

Miroslav Klose is on course for the Golden Boot for the second tournament in a row and is one short of Ronaldo’s all time record of 15. He has been Germany’s main threat with Lukas Podolski who between them scored 9 goals for the club last season. Couple that with Thomas Muller who had not scored for his country before the finals and now has four, and you wonder how they manage to peak at just the right time, every time. Germany have now scored four goals in three separate matches. The mind boggles.

Nobody wants to take on the Germans but if any team has the confidence and ability it is Spain. They narrowly passed their test again with a scrappy 1-0 win over a solid & unspectacular Paraguay but it could have been so different. Spain have yet to spark in this tournament and are grateful to their talisman, David Villa, for his five goals that have carried them through and put him out front in the Golden Boot race.

Villa got the winner once again in the last ten minutes but the match hinged on a dramatic few minutes on the hour mark in which Paraguay were awarded a penalty following Gerard Pique’s best Hulk Hogan impression in wrestling Oscar Cardozo to the ground. A nervy looking Cardozo dusted himself off and tickled the ball into Iker Casillas’ hands.

Spain went straight up the other end and won themselves a penalty through David Villa which was coolly put away by Xabi Alonso. However the ref had spotted encroachment and ordered a retake which Alonso switched to the opposite side and was out-guessed by Villar to keep the score a 0-0. In the melee, as Paraguay scrambled the ball clear, Spain shoud have had another penalty as Villar tripped Cesc Fabregas but the ref inexplicably ignored Spanish protests.

In the end it mattered not as Spain got the job done with the aid of their main goal threat and three posts. Pedro was set up cleverly by Andres Iniesta but his shot cannoned back off the post, into Villa’s path who scooped it onto the other post. The ball rolled across the line, hit the left hand post again and finally trickled into the net to put the favourites through to a German showdown. That match will be a belter.

Semi Final Line Up: Uruguay v Netherlands | Germany v Spain

There is so much wrong with English football and the England national team at the moment that this is going to have to be a series of blogs.

Over the next few days (or possibly weeks!) I will vent my spleen on where it all went wrong and why we are all doomed.

Before the World Cup began I cited my four main reasons why England had a decent chance of going far. Probably not winning it but putting up a good show and reaching at least the semi finals. They were…

1. Fabio Capello – the best manager in the world and somebody who could get the team playing together, papering over any cracks caused by crocks and duffers.
2. Wayne Rooney – in the form of his life after a free scoring season for Manchester United. Unplayable at times and capable of inspiring England to success in a similar way to Maradonna in 1986.
3. The climate – winter in South Africa should suit the European teams who often suffer in the heat of World Cups played in hot countries. Even Germany 06 was sweltering. Playing at altitude might pose some problems but heat would not.
4. The draw – a favourable draw meant that topping the group ensured a relatively trouble free route to the semi finals. The chance to play their way into the tournament. In a group containing USA, Algeria & Slovenia top spot HAD to be expected.

There were counter points to these expected positives and they all centred on individuals or positions…

1. Injured Players – would Ledley King’s injury problems stand up to the rigour of tournament football? And would Gareth Barry recover in time?
2. Goalkeeper – who would be the number one? And why is that question even being asked when the squad is already out there. Rob Green is an accident waiting to happen and David James is an accident that has happened many times already.
3. Centre Halves – Jamie Carragher and Matthew Upson filled me with dread at the prospect of two oil tankers on the pitch chasing round after Messi.
4. Emile Heskey – I stated before the tournament that Heskey will never score for England again. I see no reason to change my opinion.

It’s both interesting & depressing to look back now and see how the positives turned into negatives but the negatives all came predictably to fruition. The climate & the draw could neither be changed nor blamed; in fact the draw actually opened up after France’s own implosion. Capello & Rooney both had the proverbial mare. Almost every gamble that Capello took blew up in his face, while Rooney’s banjo never threatened the cow’s rear end.

By comparison, Robert Green, Jamie Carragher, Matthew Upson, Ledley King, Gareth Barry & Emile Heskey all did exactly what it says on the tin. They fully lived up to expectations by fumbling, lumbering, blundering, injuring, trundling or fluffing any chance they got.

For the moment England are 8th in FIFA’s rankings. That makes us a quarter finalist providing we don’t play a country ranked above us. Germany are 6th so that actually relegates us to a beaten Last 16 team, which is precisely what happened. The conclusion is that nobody should be surprised about our showing. It is time to realise that we are simply not good enough and the reasons for this are outlined in another post.

Next time we will start to look in more detail at some of the major contributing factors to England’s failure. I’ve got to get it off my chest – photos of Champers & Cubans have lit a fuse.

The Capello Index

The draw and group results have ensured that one of Uruguay, South Korea, USA or Ghana will definitely be in the semi finals. This list should have included England and you’ve got to agree with Kraut nosey-parker, Franz Beckenbauer, that Capello’s men were indeed “stupid” not to have topped the group. Germany & Argentina are old foes and a much tougher proposition. Rooney and co missed a golden opportunity to go deep in this tournament and I hate them for that.

Having said that England could have played the German tea ladies and might still have lost. Losing 4-1 to Germany is bad. Very bad. As bad as it gets. I’m reviewing the performance of England in South Africa 2010 in more detail elsewhere.

A friend of mine made the prediction before the tournament began that England will not win a major trophy in my lifetime. I couldn’t find much to argue against such a depressing statement at the time and now whole-heartedly agree and have written about the reasons.

Argentina looked good yet again in seeing off the considerable threat of Mexico. The most thwarted man at the World Cup, Lionel Messi, still hasn’t scored but he inspired a 3-1 victory that included two from Carlos Tevez. Argentina also have the tournament’s top scorer in Gonzalo Higuain who bagged his fourth. Manchester United new ‘Little Pea’, Javier Hernandez, scored a fine consolation for the Mexicans.

Uruguay reached the quarter finals for the first time since 1970 after Luis Suarez’s brace saw them edge past South Korea 2-1. Suarez is on the radar of the top European clubs and exploded onto the World Cup after failing to impress in the group stages; Diego Forlan hogging the spotlight. There would be some symmetry in a Suarez to Manchester United move after Forlan’s fruitless spell at Old Trafford.

Uruguay will have to endure a vuvuzelan wall of noise in the quarter final as the whole of Africa throw their weight behind the lone African survivors, Ghana. I would as well if I didn’t have money on Argentina. The Black Stars are carrying the hopes of a continent desperate to prove they deserved to host a World Cup. A 2-1 extra time victory over the USA was sealed with Asamoah Gyan’s 93rd minute corker, his third of the tournament. Both would probably have stuffed England.

The bottom half of the draw has served up the tasty dish of Holland against Brazil after both breezed through their last 16 matches. Holland saw off Slovakia 2-1 with Arjen Robben taking just 18 minutes to show how important he is to Dutch chances with the opener. Wesley Sneijder got the second before Robert Vittek put away a 94th minute penalty to join Higuain as tournament top scorer.

Brazil were in a game for half an hour before switching gears and cruising to a 3-0 win over Chile. In a match immaculately controlled by Howard Webb and his assistants (get up Lucio you make Drogba look like an angel), the Brazilians displayed impressive balance with a solid defence that is augmented by creativity & flair up front. With Elano possibly out for the rest of the tournament much rests on Kaka, Robinho & Fabiano. The latter two were on the scoresheet and Kaka showed glimpses of his best form giving Brazil an ominous look.

Spain were given a thorough examination of their favourites credentials by Portugal and passed. Just. A 1-0 win courtesy of David Villa’s 63rd strike (his fourth of the tournament) was built on solidity rather than flair but that is precisely why they have a great chance of breaking into the elite group of nations to have won a world cup. Spain’s big worry is Fernando Torres who’s playing like Julio Iglesias. Cristiano Ronaldo did little in the game (or the tournament for that matter) and left the field spitting, literally.

Spain have virtually been handed a bye to the semi finals as Paraguay snored past Japan following a 5-3 penalty shoot out success that was required after a drab 0-0 stalemate was eeked out over 120 dull minutes. Stranger things have happened but if Spain don’t beat Paraguay I will promise to do something ridiculous – such as continuing to support England.

2010 World Cup Stats After Group Stage

CONT	P	W	D	L	W%	L%	Q
Europe	39	14	12	13	36%	33%	6	Only 6 nations qualified for last 16 an all-time low for Europe.
Africa	18	4	4	10	22%	56%	1	Ghana are the sole qualifiers. SA are first hosts to fail.
South America	18	11	5	2	61%	11%	6	South America are dominating this year’s tournament.
Rest Of World	21	5	7	9	24%	43%	3	Japan, USA & South Korea have qualified for RoW.

One of USA, Ghana, South Korea and Uruguay will definitely be in the semi-finals – and of the four only Ghana have yet to get that far before. Granted, the USA haven’t done it since the first World Cup in 1930, and the last time Uruguay stuck around so long was in 1970. South Korea, of course, have far more recent pedigree – making the semis in 2002 – but have won only two World Cup matches away from home.

Brazil failed to score in a group stage match at the FIFA World Cup for the first time since 1978.

Of the first 100 goals at South Africa 2010, the 90th minute proved the most popular time to score, with five goals at that stage.

Andres Iniesta scored the 100^th goal. Argentina & Portugal are group top scorers with 7 each. 5 goals from Athletico Madrid players is the most. 62% of goals were right foot shots, 20% left footers, 16% headers and “other body parts” accounted for 2%. Two own goals, 7 converted penalties, 4 direct from free kicks.

Stat Total Ave Stat Total Ave Matches 48 Shots on Bar 78 1.6 Goals Scored 101 2.1 Shots on Post 11 0.2 Penalties 7 0.1 Offsides 232 4.8 Goals Inside Box 78 1.6 Assists 65 1.4 Goals Outside Box 23 0.5 Tackles 630 13.1 Open Play Goals 76 1.6 Saves 347 7.2 Set Piece Goals 25 0.5 Sots Blocked 241 5 Yellow 176 3.7 Passes Completed 33880 705.8 2 Yellow 7 0.1 Pass Completion Ratio 72% Red 6 0.1 Total Crosses 1547 32.2 Free Kicks 1479 30.8 Crosses Completed 393 8.2 Hanballs 93 1.9 Cross Completion Ratio 25% Shots 1316 27.4 Corners 451 9.4 Shots on Target 476 9.9 Corners Completed 200 4.2 Shots Wide 599 12.5 Corner Completion Ratio 45% Shots Blocked 241 5 Throw-ins 2042 42.5 Total Free Kick Shots 111 2.3 Total Match Distance 10026 Direct Free Kicks 103 2.1 Ave Match Distance 209 Indirect Free Kicks 8 0.2 Top Speed (km/h) 32.2 Attacks 1080 22.5 Ave Top Speed (km/h) 28.4

Castrol Index First 11 in Group Stage

Eduardo (POR)

Gregory van der Wiel (NED)  Antonin Alcaraz (PAR)             Waldo Ponce (CHI)      Gary Medel (CHI)

Steven Gerrard (ENG)             Elano (BRA)                 Alvaro Pereira (URU)  Carlos Carmona (CHI)

Cristiano Ronaldo (POR)         Gonzalo Higuain (ARG)

Of the top 20, 17 are defenders. Englands top 5 are Johnson (22), Gerrard (24), Ashley Cole (63), Lampard (76), Terry (119). Rooney is 208^th. Messi is 57^th!

Thierry Henry is slower than David James
The occasional Barcelona and France forward was once lauded as the quickest footballer on the planet, but he now resembles a sloth in ski boots and a lead top hat running up Molasses Mountain. The top speed he reached at the tournament was 16.9kph – slower than near-fortysomething David James, who bombed out of nets at 17.6kph against Algeria. The two fastest players on show this year are Greek (Avram Papadopoulos, 31.5kph and Konstantinis Katsouranis, 31.5kph), with Victor Obinna of Nigeria third (31.1kph) and Argentina’s Gonzalo Higuain fourth (30.9kph) – making Group B the speediest of the lot.

One in six Africans is Nigerian – but their whole squad play outside Africa
Nigeria is by far the most populous country on its continent: its 154m citizens means one in every six Africans is a follower of the Super Eagles. But despite having a lively Premier League with brilliantly-named teams like Dolphins, Sunshine Stars and the Wikki Tourists, not one Nigerian squad member plays professionally on their own continent. The England, Germany and Italy squads, meanwhile, are composed entirely of players who play their club football in their homeland.

Portsmouth have more players at the World Cup than Manchester United do
The beleaguered South Coast side has more players at the tournament (eight) than Man United (a mere five). Barcelona is the best-represented club, with 13 players, while Chelsea and Liverpool are the top English outfits (12 each). Bayern Munich have 11 with Arsenal, Inter, Panathinaikos and Real Madrid on 10.

No.13 isn’t a goalkeeper’s number any more
In the olden days – when men were men, Starburst were Opal Fruits and you could leave jewellery on the doorstep without fear of thievery – squad number 13 was for reserve keepers. Now, only two stoppers at the World Cup (Mexico’s Ochoa and Sefakis of Greece) sport the digits. Outfield players seem to be queuing up for it: Evra’s got it for France, Samuel for Argentina, Dani Alves for Brazil. Hell, Michael Ballack deliberately wears it to prove it’s not unlucky.

The tournament’s most prolific player is from Honduras
Ask the fan sitting at the desk next to you who the top goalscorer playing at this World Cup is. We reckon it’ll be lunchtime before a Honduran is mentioned. Step forward Carlos Pavon, who has banged in 56 goals in 100 internationals, is a talented musician and works tirelessly for anti-violence charities. Honduras also have the most goals as a squad with 152.

The oldest boss in the Cup is nicknamed The Child
Greece’s German gaffer Otto Rehhagel is 71, but back home the sprightly gaffer is nicknamed The Child of the Bundesliga, apparently because he’s the only man ever to have participated in 1,000 German league matches as a player and manager. He’s also enjoyed the monikers The Goal Hailstorm and the Vice Admiral, and is the only non-Greek ever to be voted Greek of the Year. Child, we salute you.

Before the World Cup, 60% of Argentines voted to drop Messi
If you want an indication of how low Lionel Messi’s star was among Argentina fans pre-World Cup, consider an Argentine cartoon depicting him as Superman in a Barcelona shirt, but Clark Kent in the white and blue of his country. Consider, too, a poll conducted by Clarin, the country’s largest newspaper, in which 60% of fans said they wouldn’t even pick the Catalan superhero.

Leo Messi can’t hit a barn door
The Argentine magician has currently had the most shots of anyone in the tournament without getting a goal. Less surprisingly, no one has had more dribbles than Messi, matched only by Brazil right-back Maicon.

In 1962, Switzerland wasn’t in Europe
For reasons best known to FIFA, the uphill chocolatiers weren’t placed in either of the two European seeding groups at the 1962 tournament, instead being counted as ‘Rest of the World’ with Colombia, Mexico and Bulgaria (also not in Europe back then).

Scotland’s favourite team? England…
Scotland against England is the oldest rivalry in world sport, but there are signs that the entirely explicable ‘Anyone But England’ brigade north of the border are diminishing in numbers. A poll for Continental Tyres asked 800 Scots who they’d be supporting this summer, and England got the most votes, with 19%. Spain were second choice (12%), with Brazil third (10%). Not enough to form a majority government, for sure, but surprising nonetheless. The Three Lions also picked up 40% of the support in Wales.

David Villa has ruined Spain’s perfection
He’s rubbish, that David Villa, isn’t he? The new Barcelona frontman totally ruined Spain’s immaculate 100 percent record when it comes to World Cup penalties the other night. Prior to his horrible, amateurish blunder, the Spaniards had converted 14 out of 14 spot-kicks won during normal time. His mother must be so ashamed.

David Villa’s boots are a good read
The goal-mad Spaniard has gone to town when it comes to customising his clogs. He’s got two flags (Asturias and Spain), his and his wife’s initials (D, and P for Patricia), his nickname ‘Guaje’ (the kid in Asturian dialect), shirt number (7) and daughter’s names (Zaida and Olalla) plastered on them.

New Zealand’s qualifying opponents – combined! – have a smaller population than Manchester…
It’s clichéd to patronise little ol’ New Zealand with stats (and the oft-quoted fact about there being 20 sheep for every human is now wrong: a decline in the sheep population means it’s now nine to one). But it’s also fun. The All-Whites qualified against New Caledonia, Vanuatu, Fiji and Bahrain – countries with a combined population of less than Greater Manchester.

England won – because of the Beeb!
It’s no wonder the Three Lions pulled through the group – it’s all down to the curse of ITV that they’ve been struggling so far. Curiously, since 1982 the Three Lions have won 62% of their World Cup games shown on the BBC – and just 30% of those on the other side. The relaxed, jocular approach of Adrian Chiles clearly wasn’t working for Fabio’s men and the knowledge that they were playing shortly after Cash In The Attic obviously spurred them on. In even better news, the BBC will be covering both the last 16 game and the quarters, so England now look safe until the semi-finals. Well worth the licence fee…

Farewell to Rigobert Song, football’s Roy Castle
Cameroon have gone home, finally drawing the curtains on the World Cup career of one of the tournament’s most prolific record-breakers. The former Liverpool and West Ham full-back is at his fourth tournament (an African record), and arrived as the most-capped player in the tournament (136, although Guevera of Honduras has overtaken him). He made his debut at 17 in 1994, where he became the youngest player to be sent off in a World Cup, and also set a record for the biggest age gap on the same team (Roger Milla was 42). He’s also one of just two players to have been sent off at two tournaments, putting him in the company of Zinedine Zidane.

South Korea’s hold the worst defensive record at a World Cup
North Korea have this year’s worst defence with 12 conceded. Saudi Arabia shipped 12 in 2002 and El Salvador let in 13 in 1982. The current all time holders are North Korea’s best buddies, South Korea, who shipped 16 in 1954 in just two matches – losing 9-0 to Hungary & 7-0 to Turkey.

The 2010 World Cup baby boom
South Africans are potty when it comes to naming children – as citizens like Luckyboy Edison and Loadshed Don’t Worry Mathebula would happily attest – and the World Cup has sent this unusual tendency into overdrive. One baby born during the opening ceremony has been given the moniker Ke Nato (‘It is time’), another is lumbered with FIFA Ntshinga, and a pair of twins who popped out during the curtain-raiser were christened Mexico and Bafana. Let’s hope the good women of Africa weren’t ‘inspired’ by Italy, otherwise there might be a tough time in the playgrounds for their offspring – Underwhelming, Massive Disappointment and Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Chile are kings of the World Cup wrong ’uns
Chile perpetrated the most deviously crafty act in World Cup history in 1989. With Chile 1-0 down in a qualifier against Brazil that they needed to win to qualify, goalkeeper Roberto Rojas feigned injury after a firecracker was thrown from the crowd, pulling a capsule of his own blood from his gloves and splashing it over his own head. The game was abandoned, but Rojas was caught out and handed a lifetime World Cup suspension (lifted after 12 years) while Chile were banned from qualifying for the 1994 finals. The longest bans sustained at the actual tournament, since you ask, went to Italy’s Mauro Tassotti (eight matches in 1994 for elbowing Luis Enrique) and Iraq’s Samir Mahmoud, who copped a year’s ban for gobbing at a ref.

No World Cup shootout has ever reached the seventh taker
While the Euros have seen a fair few substantial spot-kick slogs, the World Cup has always done its business within 12 kicks. Since penalties were first introduced as the decisive measure, there have been 20 World Cup finals shootouts and South Korea have the best World Cup shootout success rate – scoring all five times against Spain in 2002. The worst? Switzerland with 0%.

The only survivor from the first ever World Cup final still hates Uruguay
Francisco Varallo, now 100 years old, was 20 when he played in the 1930 final for Argentina. “If there’s a game I don’t want to recall, it’s this one against the Uruguayans – and it keeps coming to mind,” he recalls. “We failed. We were winning 2-1 after half-time then during the second half we fainted. My team-mates were afraid of winning that game. It was a very hostile scenario and the Uruguayans threatened us.”

Only one man has ever scored for both teams in a World Cup match
Here’s a lesson. In 1978, Dutchman defender Ernie Brandts scored an own goal (from 18 yards!) to put Italy ahead in what was effectively a World Cup semi-final – the second-phase group decider. Did he hide? No he didn’t, trundling up the other end to equalise (from 25 yards!), then watching as Arie Haan thwocked in the winner. From 40 yards.

Courtesy of Four Four Two

Oh dear Italy. Beaten 3-2 by Slovakia, who qualify in second, and bottom of the group below New Zealand was not in the script. The Azzurri have been insipid and needed help to secure their two draws before yesterday’s capitulation. They have not won a match since last September and Lippi’s return to try to defend their crown has descended into ignominy.

New Zealand go out but finish the tournament unbeaten after three draws. A fine achievement and they go home with their heads held high as Paraguay & Slovakia march on. Slovakia will meet the Netherlands who had already qualified and saw the return of their talisman, Arjen Robben. A return to full fitness for the flying winger will be crucial for Oranje chances, and with Robin van Persie & Klaas Jan Huntelaar finding the net last night in a 2-1 win over Cameroon they look a real force.

In Group E Denmark fluffed their lines against an impressive looking Japan in their head to head decider. Two fine free kicks in a Honda inspired 3-1 win sees the Japanese progress and they are looking better with each game. They meet Paraguay in the Last 16 and will fancy their chances after two wins in the group. Thomas Sorensen had a night to forget and almost eclipsed Robert Green with a routine fumble that came back off the post.

What was all the fuss about? A routine 1-0 hammering of Slovenia saw England cruise into the Last 16. An injury time goal for USA though saw them top the group and secure a much easier route. Ghana & Uruguay is much simpler than Germany & Argentina but that is what faces England. That said nobody will want to meet this England side who obviously have a few more gears to find. There were encouraging signs against Slovenia and if they can put it all together they will score goals.

Topping the group was crucial to England’s chances of getting anywhere near the final. If they are to win the trophy this could very likely be their opponents – Germany, Argentina, Spain, Brazil. They will probably have to do it the hard way but you’ve got to beat the best to win.

England meet Germany because The Old Enemy topped the group after a 1-0 win over Ghana who also qualify thanks to Serbia losing to Australia.